Most of you might know that my husband is bi-polar and suffers from depression (and anxiety). We've been together almost 9 years, and it definitely hasn't been easy. I mean, it never is with marriage. Everyone has their ups and downs. But, when you live with someone that has constant mood swings things are a bit different. It's difficult to live with a person like that. Sometimes you're the one with a lot of feelings and it's difficult for the other person to realize that. Sometimes the other person doesn't know how to deal with all of your feelings. Then what?
I have been feeling a lot of things lately. I'm sharing here because I have to get it out. (Sometimes you need a good cry, right?) And if you're wondering, yes... I have said all of these things to Josh. We're working on things. This is my way to just let it go (Emily, sing the song for us, will ya?) so that at the end of the day, when he gets home from work, I'm not just sitting on the couch, crying, making him feel worse.
I feel like my feelings don't matter.
If I have an emotion about something and I try to express it, I usually feel like I get brushed aside. Either I'm told "you need to feel this way", or "you walked into that situation yourself", or I just get ignored. Sometimes if I'm sharing how I feel, I just want a hug and to be told "It will be OK." or just tell me you understand. Maybe it won't be OK. I just want to feel like my feelings matter too. Sure, I've done some pretty selfish things in the past. Does that mean that I can't want to have my feelings matter?
I feel like I get the blame.
There are certain things outside of my control. I can't help that my in-law's are getting houses or getting better jobs. I shouldn't be made to feel like it's my fault for our personal situation at home. We're in this together. Yes, I'm not bringing any income to the household and there are days that that fact tears me apart! Please stop making me feel worse about it. If something is my fault, I will own up to it, I promise.
I feel alone.
Yes, I have friends I can call or text to talk to. And I'm super grateful for them. What I really want... what I'm really craving is for someone to come visit me though. I don't have a car. There's a few people that live close enough to me to where it wouldn't be super inconvenient for them to come see me. However, I don't feel like they're real friends. I know phones work both ways, but when I try to reach out to just hang out or talk to people and they don't answer or reply to my texts I give up. But I know their phones work because I get a text from them a few days later saying "Hey I have more clothes for Ainsley do you want them." (Yes I want them, but I also want hang out... maybe just have a cup of coffee on my back porch).
I feel like a burden.
This is tough for me to say, but ultimately that's how I feel. I feel this way for several reasons. I think a lot of those feelings go deep down into feeling like I'm getting the blame for everything. Part of me believes like it's not really my fault for our situation, but then there's a really big part of me that 100% believes it is my fault. I mean, I was the one that wasn't "present" for a whole 30 days this year and that kind of forced some changes in the family. Please stop holding that over my head though.
What am I looking for out of this post? I'm not sure. I'm sure as hell not looking for sympathy or anything like that. I really am looking for prayers I guess. I want my husband to know that I care as much about his feelings as I do my own. I get that I feel more than he does and he doesn't like to express emotions. I understand and appreciate that. However, I don't want to have to feel like I'm not good enough because I have more feelings than he does. If that makes sense.
I dunno. I'm really not sure how to end this, so I'm just going to say thank you to my tribe for their prayers already. I'm grateful for those ladies because I know they would come have coffee with me if they could.
