Most of you might know that my husband is bi-polar and suffers from depression (and anxiety). We've been together almost 9 years, and it definitely hasn't been easy. I mean, it never is with marriage. Everyone has their ups and downs. But, when you live with someone that has constant mood swings things are a bit different. It's difficult to live with a person like that. Sometimes you're the one with a lot of feelings and it's difficult for the other person to realize that. Sometimes the other person doesn't know how to deal with all of your feelings. Then what?
I have been feeling a lot of things lately. I'm sharing here because I have to get it out. (Sometimes you need a good cry, right?) And if you're wondering, yes... I have said all of these things to Josh. We're working on things. This is my way to just let it go (Emily, sing the song for us, will ya?) so that at the end of the day, when he gets home from work, I'm not just sitting on the couch, crying, making him feel worse.
I feel like my feelings don't matter.
If I have an emotion about something and I try to express it, I usually feel like I get brushed aside. Either I'm told "you need to feel this way", or "you walked into that situation yourself", or I just get ignored. Sometimes if I'm sharing how I feel, I just want a hug and to be told "It will be OK." or just tell me you understand. Maybe it won't be OK. I just want to feel like my feelings matter too. Sure, I've done some pretty selfish things in the past. Does that mean that I can't want to have my feelings matter?
I feel like I get the blame.
There are certain things outside of my control. I can't help that my in-law's are getting houses or getting better jobs. I shouldn't be made to feel like it's my fault for our personal situation at home. We're in this together. Yes, I'm not bringing any income to the household and there are days that that fact tears me apart! Please stop making me feel worse about it. If something is my fault, I will own up to it, I promise.
I feel alone.
Yes, I have friends I can call or text to talk to. And I'm super grateful for them. What I really want... what I'm really craving is for someone to come visit me though. I don't have a car. There's a few people that live close enough to me to where it wouldn't be super inconvenient for them to come see me. However, I don't feel like they're real friends. I know phones work both ways, but when I try to reach out to just hang out or talk to people and they don't answer or reply to my texts I give up. But I know their phones work because I get a text from them a few days later saying "Hey I have more clothes for Ainsley do you want them." (Yes I want them, but I also want hang out... maybe just have a cup of coffee on my back porch).
I feel like a burden.
This is tough for me to say, but ultimately that's how I feel. I feel this way for several reasons. I think a lot of those feelings go deep down into feeling like I'm getting the blame for everything. Part of me believes like it's not really my fault for our situation, but then there's a really big part of me that 100% believes it is my fault. I mean, I was the one that wasn't "present" for a whole 30 days this year and that kind of forced some changes in the family. Please stop holding that over my head though.
What am I looking for out of this post? I'm not sure. I'm sure as hell not looking for sympathy or anything like that. I really am looking for prayers I guess. I want my husband to know that I care as much about his feelings as I do my own. I get that I feel more than he does and he doesn't like to express emotions. I understand and appreciate that. However, I don't want to have to feel like I'm not good enough because I have more feelings than he does. If that makes sense.
I dunno. I'm really not sure how to end this, so I'm just going to say thank you to my tribe for their prayers already. I'm grateful for those ladies because I know they would come have coffee with me if they could.
Thank you for this. For being so real. You know the whole reason I restarted my blog? To share MY feelings about everything I was going through with MY anxiety. And to let others know it was okay. It's not a good thing to keep it all in. You are not selfish. You are wonderful. You are where you are supposed to be. You are learning what you are supposed to be learning. I am, in many ways, terrified about walking away from my career. I know sacrifices will have to be made next year, and that scares me. But the balance is not here right now. And as for living with someone who is bipolar...I feel like the opposite. My anxiety has sky-rocketed at times in the past, and I know my husband has tried to do anything and everything he could. Just like you are. We have had conversations. And I have sought outside help.
ReplyDeleteYou are one amazing mama. Who needs to cut herself a little slack. You are going into my prayers, each day, sweet friend. I will ask God for guidance for you, just like I am ask Him each day for me. He's got this. You just be the best wife and mama you can be.
P.S. I can't tell you the last time I have really and truly spent time with my friends. I miss them too! Life is so busy for everyone, but agreed...I need a visitor and cup of coffee sometimes too ;) <3 XOXO **HUGS TO YOU**
You are so strong, you are an amazing mother, and you are perfect the way you are. I love you.
ReplyDeleteMelissa, you are amazing. You are such a wonderful mother to your kids and you can tell how much you care about your marriage because you try to hard. I will be praying for you always. I wish I was closer because I am always looking for people to get coffee with!! ox love you!
ReplyDeleteI was just thinking about you the other day! We can definitely have a meetup one weekend and I can come visit you and have coffee on your porch. I can't imagine what you are going through, but I am here if you need anything. Atlanta isn't that far away, and I can be there if you need me to be. You will get through this!
ReplyDeletei am so proud of you for writing how you feel and sharing the real you because sometimes life is just hard. i will absolutely be keeping you in my thoughts. i'm often the one with mood swings in my relationships so i really appreciate hearing from your perspective much of what i'm sure my husband feelings. i don't want to make my husband feel that way and i'm sure yours doesn't want you to feel that way either but it's up to us to change our actions. xo
ReplyDeletethanks! I love you too!! xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteGirl, let your emotions out! That's what we're all here for - to listen, to understand, and to lift you back up. I'll keep you in my prayers, and you've got my e-mail if you ever want to vent about anything! Sorry I can't come visit you in person....you're kind of far away :( Keep your chin up!
ReplyDeletethanks so much for this. I wrote this last yesterday in the middle of a very emotional day. There's definitely a LOT I've given to God. It's a work in progress that will take some time. It's hard, tiring, and I question almost everything daily. Thank you for the prayers. it means a lot!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. :) That really means a lot. Sometimes I need a small reminder that I'm not completely failing LOL. I really hope we can meet in Sept!
ReplyDeletelol, yeah when I texted you yesterday it was right after this post and me being super emotional that people who live 10 minutes from me won't answer their phone. I would LOVE to have you visit!
ReplyDeleteyeah, I'm the one in the relationship that craves hand holding and random kisses and things like that. Josh is the one that is fine with just sitting next to me on the couch and that's it. So there have been a lot of emotions lately. plus my husband grew up in a home where no one really shared emotions anyway, so I'm not sure how to help him to be OK with sharing what he's feeling. thanks for thinking of me!
ReplyDeletelol, yeah I think I'm kind of far from most of my bloggy friends. Which stinks because I've gotten to be closer with y'all than most of the people I grew up with. but I guess that's a normal part of life. Things change. Thanks for thinking of me!
ReplyDeleteOh geez. That isn't really fair - those people should come hang out with you. I hate that. We were in an all day volunteer event, so that's why I didn't respond. Today, I have been trying to catch up on work that I missed yesterday. Blah!
ReplyDeleteI looooooooooooooove you. You can call me anytime you need to!
ReplyDeleteXOXOX good thing you have your phone back now, huh? ;) hehe. I LOOOOOOVVEEE youuu too!! :)
ReplyDeleteIt hurts when the people physically close by can't come see you. When messages go unanswered, it's poo. Sending you hugs!
ReplyDeleteAw hun, I totally relate to many of these feelings. Dealing with people can just be hard sometimes, and it's good to get those feelings out here. That's why we have blogs! If I lived closer I would totally come over for coffee with you.
ReplyDeleteOh man, we've all been there. And I'm not goign tell you that it gets better, not because it doesn't but because I know that's probably the last thing you want to hear right now, right? We women just want someone to listen, not try and fix everything. I did wan t o tell you I lvoe your blog title and I love your design, your header is super cute! :) Hope you have an awesome weekend!
ReplyDeleteThank you SO much for the kind words. :) And yes, this was just me venting / yelling / crying / letting it all out. Cause sometimes that's all you need, right? Gotta keep the littles entertained and mommy needs to appear sane. HA! And thanks for the kind words! I'm glad you like it. I hope you come back more! I was trying to find your social media buttons on your blog, but I couldn't find anything! I'd love to follow along.
ReplyDeleteALL THE FEELINGS, right?? I'm so thankful for this little place and for friends like you who just know what to say. XOXO. I bet a lot of y'all would come over. Party in Monroe! :)
ReplyDeleteLet's do it! :)
ReplyDeleteOh my, I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. I have a lot of those same feelings...more often than not. Being a wife and a mom is HARD work...we rarely get a break and we're always taking care of other people. Best wishes to a happy weekend for you!
ReplyDeleteoh that's hard, especially because we all learn how to communicate so differently. i'm glad you shared a few posts back that you're seeing a couples counselor because that has really helped my husband and myself learn to communicate better so hopefully that helps :)
ReplyDeleteI know while we may not be your husband, the one thing I've learned from my short time in the blogging community is that we're always hear for one another. Your feelings and emotions and thoughts will never go unheard around here dear! Sending you lots of love.
ReplyDeleteSo much love for you.
ReplyDeleteSending you good thoughts and positivity! Thinking of you and hoping you get through this rough spot, xo!
ReplyDeletethank you so much, friend! :) It helped getting it "out" like this. xoxo
ReplyDeleteand I love YOU!!! xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate that, Kati! Thank you for your kind words. It really helped me getting things "out" like this and just venting. xoxo!
ReplyDeleteit is hard work for sure!! It helped me getting it all out here. I'm feeling better emotionally. I know it's not going to be fixed overnight, but we're both willing to work through things. :)
ReplyDeleteI am here for you girl! I will talk to Keith, & see about making a trip over to ya! :P I could totally do some coffee! :P I am sorry your having a rough time, but you are strong! <3 My hubs was diagnosed with anxiety also. He chooses not to take his meds for it though. :/
ReplyDeleteIt is in these times where it is nice to be able to come to your little corner of the internet and talk about some tough stuff. Your blogging community always seems to be able to lift the spirits and offer so much encouragement. I feel your pain girl as I am living in some tough times. If you ever need to chat please reach out!
ReplyDeleteI completely feel you! I sometimes feel the same exact way. A lot more than sometimes. My husband does not show a lot of emotion, ever. He also doesn't know how to react to my emotions - and I am an emotional person. Worse yet, he he thinks showing/having emotions is stupid or unnecessary. So I totally feel you (although not exactly the same, we each experience things differently after all). Lots of hugs to you and I'm here (like we all are) when you need to talk!
ReplyDeleteit's so great to not feel alone. I love the blogging community. I'll be praying for you to get through your tough times. and the same goes to you, don't hesitate to reach out!!
ReplyDeleteWell somehow I missed this post (I will take it up with Bloglovin!) but I'm glad that you have this space to "vent" to. I'm sorry you are feeling this way, but try to focus on the blessings in your life when you need some positivity.
ReplyDeleteAlso, too bad Chicago is SO far away! That would be a very expensive cup of coffee :)
My heart goes out to you. My best friend is dealing with her husband who is incredibly emotionally unstable and we all suspect bipolar but refuses to go get help. I can't even begin to understand how she or you manage to keep it all together while also being moms. You're so strong, but that doesn't mean you're not allowed to need support yourself! I'm here for you, even if I can't drive over for a cup of coffee!
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate that, Rebekah. Ultimately Josh needs to get back on medicine, but only he can make that decision. I can suggest it all day long, but until he's ready I can't force him to go. Even though me and his mom both know that's what he needs. it's just hard. thanks for the kind words
ReplyDeletethanks, Meagan. I'm glad I have this place and I'm glad I have friends like you to text :) and yes, it's a shame you're so far.
ReplyDeleteHUGS. I love you too. I appreciate the kind words. I had to just let all of this out.
ReplyDeleteI'm sending you a huge hug. I think we have all been there. I feel bad though because I really DO want to hang out with you! I've never met another blogger in person before I've just been so busy with work and mommying. I think you are great and if you ever need to vent, please write to me! You should never feel alone or like you are a burden!!!
ReplyDelete