Saturday, August 23, 2014

An Open Letter to Creeps at Work

To the lab technician accross the hall: You don't need to come up with excuses to come into my office. If you want to chit-chat about the weather or your strange obsessions with cats, then just come say hi and start talking. Coming in here "just to get a pen" ... Because let's face it, how many pens do you really need in a week? Answer: not a new one everyday. Or when you lurk in the door until I look at you and then you run away, I'm going to keep thinking you're a weirdo. I promise I won't bite.

To the very-southern Maitenance guy: I like a good break from work in the form of a nice conversation about the news, or weather, or whatever. I do. I appreciate the fact that you're comfortable enough to approach me and ask how my kids and family are doing, and you can small talk about whatever; However, you are one inappropriate comment away from me going to H.R. I'm sorry, but I will not be referred to as someone's "second wife", even if the comment was made in jest.

 To the shoe theif: (ok, this was at my last job but it needs to be brought up for all shoe theives out there). I still don't know why you had to take the one shoe, but it was just strange. The shoes themselves were old. They probably smelled bad. The heel was chewed up. And yet, even after the pair fell off the roof of my brother in law's old ford focus and got run over (repeatedly) on Satellite Blvd you still took just the one shoe. I still don't understand why you thought I would want to keep just the right shoe out of the pair... thanks but no thanks. You're creepy.

To the Star Wars nerd enthusiast: (credit to Amanda for this one). I'm sorry if I made you think I was interested in hearing about the new plot ideas, or costume plans, or who will be attending Dragon Con this year. Sorry, but I'm just not. The "too-friendly" smile you mistook for interest was simply a smile to try and tell you without words "I'm going back to work now". And yet, here you are, 10 minutes later, still talking to me about Star Wars. The whole time I'm trying to focus on real work.

To the Popcorn burners: (credit to Lora). You're not a creepy creep, you're just a creep. Everyone loves the smell of fresh, buttery popcorn. However to the same point, everyone hates the smell of burnt popcorn. If you insist on making popcorn, please stand by the microwave and monitor that shit! (Also if you brought left over fish for lunch, just don't heat it up. We don't want to smell microwaved fish for hours)

and finally...
To the messy hoarder: (credit goes to Kathy). Your office cube does not need to contain every little memory from every vacation on the wall. If you have so many "treasures" and keepsakes that they start spilling into the hall, or you have so many McDonald's happy meal toys that my four year old would want to play at your desk while you work, you have a problem.

P.S. to any ladies in the work-force: Wear a bra. Just do it. You are not cute with your boobs flopping everywhere! I don't care what size they are, just wear a bra. Keep it classy, y'all.

Are you guilty of one (or more) of these? Don't be afraid to admit it. There is help for you! We can get you the support you need to become a less offensive creeper.


  1. Fish in the microwave is the worst. Just why?? Sounds like you work with some interesting people!

  2. "You are not cute with your boobs flopping everywhere!" Omg I'm dying!

  3. That was just what a Saturday morning needed to get me started! lol

  4. I, too, have a coworker that doesn't wear a bra. It is very odd and lots of staring is involved.